Alzheimer...Urrrrrrrrrr

Since the day I decided to write something about Alzheimer disease, my mind and body are resisting to the outermost limit. Whenever I opened my blog and tried to write something about it, I felt so exhausted and I needed to head to bed. Today, after three mugs of tea straight, I finally started to write about it. God damn, it is because my mom has Alzheimer. And, the my mom has always played THE most important role of my karma. Ok, so...what may cause my mom's Alzheimer? Any disease comes internally, again. According to my dear Louise Hay, Alzheimer caused by anger toward the external environement and feeling effortless in real life situations. Personally, I feel there is more. The parients refuse to face the past and the reality. Therefore, they choose to escape from the pain facing the mistakes in the past or pain in the present and to adandon their memories and start to isolate them from the environmental signals. The hurt and pain created by themselve due to the stimuli from the outside world are too heavy for them to handle. (Thanks to Darjeeling so I can continue...urrr). Now, the real case...My mom started to have significant memory lost about 5 years ago. Ok, what happened 5 years ago? My dad planed to retired. My mom has always been financially insecured and tried to force me to stand by her side to persuade my dad not to retire. I was so FxxKing pissed off at that time. I need to mention something first. When I was in the 2nd grade, my mom  put our family in great debt and lied to my dad. Unfortunately (fortunately?), I knew the truth when I happened to hear my mom's phone conversation one day. Once my mom found out I knew the truth, she had been forcing me to lie to my dad with her, or, she said, "if I and your dad got a divorce, you can't gain any good from it. You understand me?". I was young and fearful. I lied. One lie after another...I had to cover one lie with 10 more lies...You do the math...Then, I became a liar for the rest of my life until I started Avatar. That's another story though. Back to 5 years ago...After a few phone conversation, I finally yelled at my mom, "dad has been working to his dead body for his whole life. If you hadn't put us in such a big debt 20 years ago, dad can even retire ealier as he wishes!" My mom literally screamed at me like some insane person with such a big rage, then hang up the phone. (Another big sip of my Darjeeling) I don't know if I did the right thing at that time. Should I stand by my mom's side or my dad's? I will never know. However, bad things did start to happen. We never know the exact time point when my mom started to have this serious memory loss and lost the ability to learn new things (she used to be THE smart ass among her colleagues). I tried to trace back and I believe the retirement argument was the starting point. I hadn't been forgiving myself on this for a while. Ok, so, my mom felt powerless over my dad and I  no more unlike she used to. Yeah, she was the queen of our family, no doubt. No one can offend her or she would collapse right in front of us. Due to the curse/blessing of love, my dad and I learned to let her do whatever she preferred to avoid the conflicts. Trust me, you don't want her to collapse. One time, she literally said the following to me, "I curse you that you will be tortured to death by your own future child ever after." Yeah...Horrifying...I had trying to be an obidient daughter. I came home right after school. I was the top-one in both elementary and middle school. I went to the best high school and university in my country...Anyway...Ok...However, this time, she lost control over the situation. How bad of her resistence to face the reality? She kept claiming that she had no memory lost at all. However, her friends had been annoyed by her memory lost problem. She would accuse others that they took her stuff and it's not that fact. Fortunately, she had great friends and all they do was trying to support her. They tried to sneak back from my mom and talked to me about this. Trust me. My mom didn't even give them the slight chance to talk to me without her monitoring. Ok, so I got into a lot of fights with my mom and tried to persuade her to see the doctor. Come on. She didn't want to face the reality. How can she agree to see a doctor to know the crucial truth? One day, I collapsed in front of her and beg her to see the doctor. She still ignored. My dad just told me to go back to US and leave this behind. "I will take care of her," he said. I cried even louder. I didn't know if it's the sorrow or the love of my dad hit me that hard. Finally, one day, one of my mom's friend tricked her into a clinic and forced her to have the examination. Now, she's taking medicines. After the diagnose, I tried to talk about Alzheimer with my mom but she has been avoiding this conversation. She would just yelled bye bye to me and hang up the phone.  I had been asked her to read the affirmation from Louise Hay's book but she chose to discard it. One day, I decided to record a video clip, emailed it to my dad, and asked my dad to force my mom to watch it. I said to my mom that she has been strong. And, no matter what happens, I will support her. After that, she became less intense when we mentioned Alzheimer. Not much progress but it's progress. (Now, I ran out of Darjeeling. I am panic.) Ok...so...what are the possible non-medical help to ease the Alzheimer symptoms in my opinion? First, refer to Louise Hay's " Heal Your Body A-Z: The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Way to Overcome Them ", read the affirmation related to such disease, and truly believe in them. Crystal healing is another way to go. It lets go your past and will guide you to find the forgiveness to yourself. For me, I will work my mom and take her to the Avatar course. Yeah, I will face my karma eventually, FINALLY! I will fly back home and work on my mom for her to take the course in late March. God Damn it! I was planning to see Aurora Australis in New Zealand at that time. However, "THANKS to" my Mandala Oracle two days ago (I was cursing when I read the card I chose), I changed my mind due to the affirmation, "Love is a choice from moment to moment." Do I want to love selflessly? I admit I want to go to NZ because I have some other reasons. Do I want to chase after my dream or compromise for my own family? I guess the answer has been clear...It's my mom. I can never hate her. I can only love her...