1 post tagged “#13 death”

  OK, I started the (original) first line of this article a month ago but never had the intent to finish it. I feel I have had resistance on talking about this issue. Whatever…I just can’t sleep tonight and feel I really need to finish this one. So, here we go…

Tarot card…ok, people know that there are usually 78 cards in a deck. The first 22 is called the major arcana. And, the rest 56 is called minor arcana. I will only talk about the first 22 today. There are two major systems: Waite and Thoth. The sequences of cards are a little bit different. The first 22 of Waite system are #0 Fool, #1 Magician, #2 High Priestess, #3 Empress, #4 Emperor, #5 Hierophant, #6 Lovers (gosh, for a minute I forgot this one…anyone…I am resisting this at the moment), #7 Chariot, #8 Strength (Justice, in Thoth’s system), #9 Hermit, #10 Wheel of Fortune, #11 Justice (Strength for Thoth’s system), #12 the Hanged Man, #13 Death, #14 Temperance, #15 Devil (I stalled when I think of this one…gosh), #16 Tower, #17 Star, #18 the Moon, #19 Sun, #20 Judgment, and finally, #21 the World. These 22 cards represent the cycle of life experience. I will talk about it later on (probably in a youtube video). Anyway…In the Tarot card deck, #12 is the Hanged Man and #15 is the Devil’s card, again. The Hanged Man, eww… it sounded horrifying…nah…It’s Oden, an ancient god, hanged himself upside down to conduct a retreat for figuring out the eternity of life. Of course, usually, when you pick this card, it indicates (most of the cases) you create obstacles by yourself, or feel discouraged and not sure what to do next sometimes without noticing the causes. Ok, so the title of my article is “a child of the Hanged Man”. The Hanged Man here may not refer to a male figure. Gosh, it’s not very unclear how I would outline this topic…My bad…Let me back a little bit. Bear with me. In my belief system, a baby would be passed on some of his/her mother’s emotions, experience, and even karma during labor. As you know, a baby was connected to his/her mom in the uterus 24/7. Also, we all know, babies are very sensitive. They can be easily affected by moms. The bad thing is that (I was going to use tragedy but it was too strong) they don’t know they can decide not to be affected. They just accept any signals passed to them. Ok, so, the main focus of my article was to talk about why some kids felt so lack of love since a very very early age. If the baby’s mom is like the Hanged Man in the tarot card deck, it indicated she was not quite ready for this baby and even with doubt if she could first take care of herself. The stress and worries that mother has would be passed to the baby. The baby may not know why but he/she was indoctrinated that his/her birth was with all stress and worries. The mother may not even know she’s doing this. She’s so confused in life already. It has been proven in the western medical system that talking to the baby and letting the mom-to-be to remain a good mood with light music or delightful pictures can help the baby to have a better mental health. This works two ways. Bad mood can be passed to the baby, also. No doubt. 

   Now, Devil’s card. OMG…I mean…no no, it’s not that bad…I was overreacted. Well, it's was bad for me, originally. I will tell you why in a sec. If someone can be represented as the Devil’s card, it means this person jailed himself/herself in a certain situation. If it’s Waite’s Devil’s card, it indicates that this person trapper himself/herself in a relationship due to materialism or lust. He/she, unlike the person represented by the Hanged Man’s card, knows what he/she is doing at least deep down there. He or she may tell you that he/she “loves” his/her significant other. It’s so easy to feel there’s something wrong. This person, sometimes, is trying to persuade himself/herself (usually doing so by persuading others first all the time) that he/she has love toward the other person involved. Yeah yeah, he/she knows…This person just doesn’t have the courage to face his/her own fear behinds the desire of materials or lust and step out of it. Ok…so…if a mother is able to be represented as the Devil’s card, oh, God, it indicated the love of the child is rather small. She still has love for the child. It’s human nature. It's just a relative thing. I said "rather small".It’s a mother’s nature to protect the child no matter what. It’s love. No doubt…But, the amount of love is rather small to satisfy human needs of love. The child has not felt loved enough since the minute he/she was born. Again, the tragic thing is that he/she even couldn’t realize the source of feeling scarcity of love. Again, babies are sensitive. They can feel how their mothers feel.

   Back to myself…I started this article a month ago because I suddenly realized the source of feeling lack of love in my life. My mom has been telling me that I would throw out every bit of feed I had since the minute I was born. OMG, why would a new born baby do such stupid thing to herself? It’s fxxxing stupid. You got to survive, girl! I said it now. I felt I really didn't wanna live then. Bad kid... Anyway, I survived. I grew up…just as a size of an elf…but, I am a cute elf. Anyway…I tried to look back upon the minute I was born and…oh yeah, there is one more thing…I have to mention that my mom was in labor for 14 hours when having me. I was such a bad baby! Bad bad bad...I didn’t even want to get born. After getting born, I just wanted to die. Gosh…again, bad bad baby!!! Now, after decades and a bunch of courses and training, I was able to go back in time to feel what it was like at that moment. I felt lack of love. Badly! I know the following things I am going to say would be full of judgment. But, I will just say them. When I first felt that span of time, I labeled my mom as a representation as the Devil’s card. It’s one HORRIBLE thing I can say about my mother. (that was also the thing about my reaction towards the Devil's card also) Yes, that was how I felt in the beginning. How should I continue now? Ok...I have to say that people do things for some reasons. These things may seem doubtful or unacceptable to others. But, let me tell you….and I say this to my friends all the time. A person will only make a decision which is doing the best to him or not bringing the worst to him in his interpretation at that moment. Once you understand the reason of fear behind that decision, you will find every human being just has a lovely but somehow confused soul (in my interpretation). Of course, it's always easier to say that to others than actually realizing it by myself. Forgiveness is never an easy issue. My parents met in a blind date arranged by the elders at that time. They were both at the age “suitable” for marriage. “Suitable” means you may already be too old to get married already, duh~ Yes, I felt my mom didn’t get married just purely because of love (again, it's my feeling and my opinion) and I still had not forgiven many things she has done in the past. That blinded me. Yeah, as I always say…besides myself, my mom has been my BIGGEST karma in my life. After dealing with my unfair filters two weeks after, I finally realized my mom was actually a Hanged Man at that time. All her life, she has been choosing to sacrifice her own dream for others.  I felt her confusion and helplessness as being a mom during the carriage. Once I realized it’s her creation, I finally can step out of it and felt her fear. Now, I just want to say, “Mom, I still love you. Thank you...”

I edited the article once again and I deleted the orginal ending. I just haven't felt right about  my post for the past few weeks...It's a hard issue for me...just hard...May all people on earth be loved...end here now...Gosh...